Allison's Brain

I'm alive...

is anyone else out there? It's been 2 long months since I posted. What have I been doing you ask?? A lot of nothing. Actually I've gone on vacation, attended a wedding, 2 wedding showers, a bachelorette party, found a new job, quit my current one, completed a boot camp, started pilates, and yet still haven't lost that nagging 10 pounds. I suck.

But I am happy to report that exciting news about the next Bachelor has rolled my way. It's almost time for the fall season to begin. Start your engines. He owns a bar, hails from Austin, and therefore will be sure to party hard. Alcohol + hot guys + slutty girls = good reality TV. Game on!

Pair of Aces reveal their hand

I'm so excited to announce that my good friend JennChantal and her adorable boyfriend Jeff are officially engaged! These two love birds look so darn cute in these photos. Makes me want to just pinch their cheeks, but not surprisingly I'm more drawn to their hands. Hers in particular. Check out the bling folks! This modern, yet antique inspired, Simon G. band is topped with a super sparkly round cut center stone that says we have officially moved this relationship from "I wanna get wit you girl" to "Let's do this!"

I am due to get the real scoop on how this whole proposal played out. Can't wait. This pair of Aces (who host a weekly Texas Hold 'em Game) is the nuts!

The Hustler!

*** For Immediate Release ***

The Allison and Berekely LLP are pleased to announce a new edition to their family: a 2006 Acura TSX, dubbed "The Hustler." This automobile is no mere transporation vehicle. It represents an important step toward true adulthood, possessing a car that will get you from point A to B without overheating or otherwise breaking down.

With the passing of the Hooptie, a new car purchase was inevitable. However, the color combo of Black on Black with Black tinted windows that gives the Hustler its name was not anticipated. It was closely rivaled by a silver-bluish-gray with grey interior, but the test drive of the sleek black pimped out mac daddy version won over. Ken's comment that it conveyed an image best described as "sexy" didn't hurt. I can do sexy. The other one was described as "sporty," an image that coincides nicely with my outlook on life. However, I'm quickly upgrading other areas of my life to fit my new "sexy" personae... starting with my shoes of course.

Although the new ride still seems like a rental car, Berkeley smudged just a few snot prints on the driver side window on Sunday to make it feel homie. One of the best features is the handy mid-console cubby between the driver and passenger seats that nicely houses my makeup bag and accessories! Love it. With my lighted visor mirror, I'm good to go. Other features include tons and tons of knobs, buttons, digital displays and audio options that will take me weeks to figure out. The automatic transmission has already tested my blondeness. Yes I will admit I've tried to drive twice in neutral. I also did something to the headrest on my seat I can't quite figure out how to fix. I did look for the 6-disc CD changer in the trunk, only to realize that it's in the dashboard just below the XM satellite/FM/AM radio. Alot has changed on the interior of a car in 13 years. I know it has Bluetooth, but my years old phone isn't enabled which is probably a blessing. It's like I'm Rumplestiltskin and I was driving a car with a hamster running a wheel to work the radio.

This new upgrade can only be described as Fantastic! It has inspired me to blow out my hair, paint my nails, and wear a skirt to work. Look out world, she has risen.

RIP: The Hooptie

It lived a long life. It lived a full life. And with its passing we mourn. The Hooptie left this earth on Wednesday March 14 at the age of 16 and 164,484 miles after a long battle with skyrocketing repair costs. Although it had been doing well, a failing clutch was the final straw. So its loving family, Me and Berkeley, took it off life support. Actually we sold its organs to a nice man named Luis.

The Hooptie was born in Dallas, TX in 1991. When I adopted it, it had just over 42,000 miles on it and barely 4 years. We loved each other at first site and I gladly drove it to college for my final year of study. It survived many slight injuries, namely a dent in the right back quarterpanel that still exists to this day. These "marks of character" the Hooptie wore like a badge of honor.

After graduation, the Hooptie was joined by Berkeley, its greatest adversary to date. Most memorably, Berkeley scarfed down an entire vanilla ice cream cone from the A&W drive through and proceeded to throw it all back up all over the passenger side seat and floor just moments later. Too many other regurgitations followed to mention each one. Snot prints, dirty paws, drool, blades of grass or other weeds, and crumbs from snacks eaten without a closed snout were a daily occurence. The Hooptie looked on in silence.

We drove to Seattle, San Francisco, Atlanta and Los Angeles together. And she just kept on chugging away. At the time of her passing we had seen new brakes, new axles, CV joints, a cracked radiator that meant occasional overheating, a passenger window that wouldn't roll up completely that meant occasional damp seats, a missing knob on the A/C dial, a giant hole in the dashboard from the stolen stereo, 2.5 hubcaps still in place, a hood that wouldn't close completely b/c of a slow moving fender bender, and a paint job that hadn't seen wax in about 10 years.

The decision to pull the plug happened suddenly but that was a blessing in hindsight. The family didn't have time to get emotional before she was simply... gone. The Hooptie is survived by Berkeley and Me, and her new brother... "The Hustler." (Press Release forthcoming.) In lieu of flowers, please send donations to my wallet as her new brother is hungry and thinks highly of himself.

Must See TV Wednesday Night

Tomorrow night is going to be a night of Can't Miss TV! First and foremost, I've been writing for the HGTV network show Design on a Dime for the past 7 months and my first show is airing tomorrow night at 9 ET/PT. It's a Christmas theme show in which a family has it's living area redesigned into an old-fashioned holiday room. The transformation is amazing and it astounds me how much work goes into redoing just one room... and how much time it took to write a 30 minute show! Hahaha.

Personally I'm tivoing it b/c the season finale of the Biggest Loser is on!!!!! I am hooked on that show. When it first debuted in 2005 I was completely nonplussed. Who cares? How many reality TV shows can one person watch? Well, I was totally wrong about this one. It's unbelievable how much weight these people lose in just a few months. One guy lost 125 lbs. Granted he weighed over 400 when he started... but still. The real key to the show is getting to the know the characters. Most of them are down and depressed over their weight and how it's effecting their relationships. So the producers suck you in with their engaging stories. The pay off is when they get voted off and return home to show their families how far they've come. It's a tear jerker. Tomorrow night in the two hour finale we get to see the final 4 go home to continue the competition. Then they all come back and have one final weigh-in to find out who dropped the most total weight and therefore wins 250K. Maybe if I had that much money baiting me I could finally ditch the peanut M&Ms and get my butt off the couch. Hmmm... I did say maybe.

Deer Hunting: Texas style

Got these pics and info from my sister-in-law in Texas. Pretty crazy.

These pictures were taken from a news helicopter in Conroe, TX which is near Houston. That has to be a HUGE alligator to have a whole deer in its mouth. If you're skiing on the west end of the lake, try not to fall.

This alligator was found between Athens and Palestine, Texas near a house.  How would you like to meet this fella in the dark?  Never let it be said that we don't grow them big in Texas .

Game wardens were forced to shoot the alligator- guess he wouldn't cooperate...

Anita and Charlie Rogers could hear the bellowing in the night.

Their neighbors had been telling them that they had seen a mammoth alligator in the waterway that runs behind their house, but they dismissed the stories as exaggerations.  "I didn't believe it," Charles Rogers said.  Friday they realized the stories were, if anything, understated. Texas Parks and Wildlife game wardens had to shoot the beast

Joe Goff, 6'5" tall, a game warden with the Texas Parks and Wildlife Department, walks past a 23-foot, 1-inch alligator that he shot and killed in their back yard.

Allison Out!

I realize that my postings lately have been sporadic at best. However, I plan to remedy this problem by relaxing my brain with some sunshine and lots of wine before kicking things back into high gear. I will be off of the keyboard for a few days while traveling to San Francisco, Napa Valley, and Lake Shasta for a bit of work and lots more play!

I lived in the Bay area for 3 years while attending graduate school at Berkeley and I'm excited to get back up there again. My time in the city is short but sweet. I plan to eat Spinach and Mushroom pizza from Zachary's, corn-cherry scones from the Cheeseboard, chocolate frozen yogurt at Ghiradelli's and maybe some Chinese food at Brandy Ho's if I'm lucky. It's a lot of food to fit into 1.5 days... but I'm confident I can do it!

Next up? A stop in Napa for some yummy wine and possibly some keefer from the little store at V. Sattui as well as new tastings at some special wineries selected by a true wine conoisseur. After acting all refined I'll get back in touch with my inner wife beater with some raging fun on a house boat at Lake Shasta. On the menu: beer and more beer and a sunburn for dessert.

If I am able to access a computer at some point on my trip, I will be sure to update you on all of the festivities. If not, you'll need to find some way, some how, to get through my absence. I know, I know. It will be a challenge, but I promise you great rewards for your effort in the form of embarassing photos and stories, featuring moi. Prost!

Newsflash: Must Work at Job

I really thought I had seen it all. Our society has become so litigious that corporations are forced to spell everything out to cover their asses... including their requirement for you to actually perform "work" in your job. I found this paragraph in a job description sent to me on monster.com for a healthcare company.

While performing the duties of this job, the employee is constantly required to sit, speak, and hear.  The employee constantly is required to use hands and fingers for repetitive motion.  The employee is frequently required to stand, walk and reach with hands and arms.  The employee must occasionally lift and/or move up to thirty (30) pounds. Specific vision abilities required by this job include close vision, distance vision, peripheral vision, depth perception and the ability to adjust focus.

Well hell's bells. Screw that! I'm not applying for this job. You have to sit, speak, and hear?? Pssssh. And use my hands and fingers?? No freaking way man. I have a master's degree. I'm not using my hands. And I'm certainly not going to use my peripheral vision. I like to use my tunnel vision at work as much as possible and tune out the fact that I am at work. Who do these crackers think they are making demands like that? Good luck finding anyone to fill this position.

HazMat headress is so Spring 2006

So about 5PM yesterday my coworker and I started hearing sirens going past our building. No big deal. There are occasional traffic accidents or fire alarms in and around campus that require emergency officials to intervene, but these sirens were pretty darn persistent. Then we heard the bullhorn. Although the message was inaudible to us inside the building, a bullhorn announcement is not the norm. What the hell was going on? Idle chatter about the impending feeling of doom quickly escalated when we got the first email. Traffic was being rerouted, but there was no indication as to why. I remarked that there must be a really bad accident, possibly a fatality. Then we got the second email: street closures, rerouting traffic exiting a large parking garage, and the sirens intensified. Okay. Something is definitely going on. Then Lisa sent me an IM to tell me that the local NBC affiliate was covering a HazMat investigation in Westwood. WTF?

HazMat, for those idealically ignorant people in the world who trust that the fruit they buy at the local supermarket is really chemical-free and 100% safe, is a "hazardous materials" call to arms. This usually involves all sorts of heavy artillery including full-body protective suits, gas masks, sometimes robots, and always a big to-do. With that kind of activity in the area, I knew one thing was for sure: I had to leave immediately to avoid the cobweb of traffic snares that were sure to ensue. So I grabbed my things and fled.

Upon exiting the building, I ran into several other employees who were chatting about the excitement. What was happening? Rumors were flying that a dorm had been evacuated. Someone mentioned a chemical spill in a parking garage. I happened to look left as I crossed the street leading to my parking garage when I noticed police tape surrounding all of the buildings on an entire block, including the campus police station. That's not something you see everyday.

With my exit conspiculously planned out, taking into account my knowledge of the network of streets that I could take to get home, the pattern of behavior local drivers have displayed during previous events, and the hunger pangs brewing in my stomach, I was confident I would outsmart the other drivers and beat them at the game of rats in a maze we play quite frequently. But then I saw him... or her. 

Walking toward me, at a hurried but not panicked pace, was the strangest looking vision that I can't say I've ever laid eyes on before. From the neck down this person looked completely normal. From the neck up, he/she was obviously out of their mind. Situated ever so prominently over this person's head was a contraption I'd only seen shows like Dateline and Primtime live allude to on TV. Was it a gas mask? Was it a halloween costume? I decided after careful consideration that it was instead a hazmat headress, one that made the person look like a cross between a burn victim and a storm trooper from Star Wars. This was mostly due to the swath of thick fabric, or possibly plastic, carefully fashioned in a way that left holes for the eyes and mouth. Some sort of filter covered the holes, to keep out the chemical cloud and debris I'm guessing.

I was tempted to pull over and take a picture, but judging from this person's obvious overreaction to the situation, I did not trust that I wouldn't be punched in the face. So I not-so-quiety laughed out loud, shook my head, rolled down my windows to let the breeze carry the smell of that morning's Starbucks out of the hooptie, and thought how stupid someone must be to be wearing that thing when the rest of us are walking around in open air. My hair was still attached to my head, my skin wasn't peeling off my face like that guy in Poltergeist, I was as level-headed and congnizant as I always am (which is not necessarily saying much ;-)

This morning I learned the entire incident was a false alarm. Someone had parked a vehicle with a shipment of something hazardous in a parking garage where it didn't belong, an oversight by the delivery company that stranded those parked there for 2 hours. So to the ridiculously adorned man/woman I say, nice idea, but sorry about the dumbass move, Dork!

Doga -- It does a 4 legged body good!

Thanks to Pete for this hilarious article about the newest craze to hit your corner pet story. It's called "Doga" = Dog + Yoga, or an alternative name "Ruff Yoga." A dog who practices yoga is called a "dogi." This is the best part of the article:

The dogs also demonstrate breathing exercises like fire breath, victorious breath and alternate nostril breathing.

WTF? I know Berkeley has "fire breath" occasionally, but I would never call it "victorious." And alternate nostril? How the hell do you know if your dog is breathing out of only one nostril? I like this quote from a doga instructor:

She does believe that the therapeutic effects of yoga with dogs is limited to the physical. "It's hard for a dog to be mindful. Because dogs don't understand English, you can't lead them through a guided meditation."

Uh yeah. I would love to see this instructor try to take Berkeley through guided meditation. As soon as someone walks by the window or she catches a glimpse of a bird... thoughts of harnessing her chi turn to thoughts of maming and eating. Not very mindful if you ask me. But if doga makes people feel like they are connecting to their animals in a new way, then why not... I guess? I know a little "downward dog salutation" from my best friend (preferably followed by a lick on my cheek) certainly lifts my spirits, and maybe it lifts hers too. Or maybe I've been living in California wayyyyy too long.