Allison's Brain

The Narcissistic Oscars

With so many award shows preceeding the Oscars, there's not much of a guessing game about who will win. Most of the articles and sites I've read are picking the same people in the major categories. So to spice things up a bit, I'm making my choices according to how the nominees relate to ME. Here are my Narcissistic Oscar picks.

Best Actor: The nominees include Leo, Ryan, Peter, Will, and Forest. Ryan's cute and a I loved him in that movie with Sandra Bullock. Peter O'Toole... sorry gramps. Forest? I just don't know if I bear another stammering speech from him. I did interview Will Smith on the red carpet 4 years ago and he was so super nice that I'd be happy if he won. But my pick has to be Leo because he's a Scorpio just like me, and he sported a hot hot hot South African accent in the movie. Momma likey! Plus he has really blossomed from his pale, chubby, frat-boy days into quite a hot virile flower. Frankly, I'd like to see him in more suits at more awards shows. Winning an Oscar would guarantee that he'll at least be at next year's ceremony.

Best Actress: The nominees include Meryl, Judi, Helen, Penelope, and Kate. Love the AARP delegates, but I'm too young and sprite to hang with them. Kate rocks and rolls but we have nothing in common. Penelope used to date Tom Cruise, who we all know used to be my hero, so she gets the nod.

Best Supporting Actor: The noms went to "half Ed-die half" Murphy, Djimon, Jackie Earl, Alan and Marky Mark. This is a tough one. Jackie Earl sounds like a redneck, and could be one of my uncles, except for the child molester thing. I've watched Eddie bloom from his Delerious days and Djimon's movie was set in Africa, which is a fave place 'o' mine. So now we're left with Alan, whose film reminded me of the ski trip my family went on when the RV broke down in some small town, and my dad took roll to make sure we didn't leave anyone behind. But alas, I'm going with Marky Mark simply because I have "Good Vibrations" on my running playlist right now, I just went to Boston for vacation with my sweetie, and because he's HOT.

Best Supporting Actress: The noms are Jennifer, Abigail, Rinko, Adriana and and Cate. I haven't seen Notes or Babel yet so we're left with Jenn and Ab. Although I thoroughly enjoyed Jennifer in Dreamgirls and think she will win, I have to go with Abigail. She stole my heart in Little Miss Sunshine, and her dance routine was just wayy too reminiscent of my Solid Gold impression when I was her age. She gets my vote.

    

Best Director: I have to choose between Clint, 3 other guys I've never heard of, and Marty Scorcese. Although Clint still makes my heart pitter patter since he seems like such a cool guy, I have to choose Marty to take home the prize. He's been nominated several times before and has never won, and more importantly he has eyebrows like Berkeley. You gotta vote for that kind of natural hair growth.

Best Picture: This one is really tough. I didn't see the Queen, Babel or Letters From Iwo Jima. Little Miss Sunshine rocked. So did the Departed. So according to my rules for selection, I have to go with the hottest male cast. Greg Kinnear, Alan Arkin, and Steve Carrell, vs. Leo, Marky Mark, and Matt Damon. It's basically the cool dorks vs. the jocks. I like my guys a little offbeat and intellectual, but I have to go with the jocks on this one. There was just too much eye candy for a girl to eat in that movie. Yum!

Final Thoughts: I expect the show to be entertaining since Ellen DeGeneres is hosting. And I hope Isaac Mizrahi is helping out with E!'s coverage since he asks the most off the wall questions. But more than anything, I can't wait to see what everyone is wearing... and how hot Leo is gonna look.

MAC Barbie

If you ever wanted to emulate your favorite childhood doll in terms of her makeup choices... now's your chance. The MAC Cosmetics company and Barbie have come together to create a MAC Barbie doll, who works as a makeup artist with her own professional makeup case and trendy outfit. (Note the fugly Mary-Kate Olsen shoes.) But the fantasy doesn't stop there. MAC has also launched an coordinating makeup line full of fuschia pink lipstick, blush, and the like. Call me crazy, but wearing Barbie lipstick is not part of my Spring 2007 makeup plan. Check out these photos of the looks from the new line. Kind of icky. I loved the plastic pink barbie ballet case that carried my pink ballet shoes to class in like 1978, but there's a reason it ended up in a garage sale in like 1982. And there's a reason that shade should stay back in the roller derby decade. I'm so ready for this Paris Hilton plastic pink era to be over. Can I Tivo this time in pop culture and fast-forward so I don't have to actually live it? Pretty please?

Swag Mountain

I found it quite amusing that the fun people at People.com are making a Swag Mountain out of the free loot they score from the Oscar week parties. Check it out here.

I'd like to take a piece of that mountain home to my bathroom. So many fun things to play with in that pile. <sigh>

Oscar week begins!

Oscar week has officially begun... which means the mania of entertainment-dom is on its way to Los Angeles. Typically stars are invited to all sort of fun events where they get free beauty treatments, loads of free stuff, and are basically showered with attention and pampering. Sounds pretty good to me!! A couple of years ago I saw a few celebs getting their hair colored during Oscar week at my former salon in Bev Hills. It was some sort of promotional thing, and I'll admit I wasn't embarassed one bit to be sitting next to Antonio Sabato, Jr. with foils in my hair. Momma like the view! This is the time of year when you wish you were better friends with people who work in PR and who can score you some free swag. Alas, I am not.

I do hope to maybe run across Leo or Brad or some other tall drink of water at my local shopping mall or fave restaurant. It happens. I'll be keeping my eyes peeled and my phone number ready! Ha! Just jokes Ken! Smooch!

With all of the excitement, I actually miss working in Beverly Hills for once. But luckily we have such great gossip sites to cover all of the festivities for us. Check out People.com's great Red Carpet Blog which is one of my fave reads right now. And be sure to check back later in the week for my picks in the major categories. It's going to be a tight race this year = fun to watch!

Prosti-tots

I've been out with the flu. Pray you don't get it. It is evil. But I am back in full swing today, feeling mighty good.

I think this article about the popularity of slutty young celebs like Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan is quite good. It's from Newsweek, and the term "prosti-tots" ROCKS! Between this trend and the scary, scary reality of child predators that Dateline NBC has revealed with its reports by Chris Hansen, I'm terrified of having children. In fact, I want to lock up my dog. The next thing I know, Berkeley will have a sex tape featuring her and a pillow from the couch, and I'll come home for lunch to find her hanging out with some freaky 40 year-old man who brought tortilla chips to entice her into letting him play "where's the bone?" Ew.

Don't eat me!

I was driving to work yesterday, minding my own business on Ohio Avenue. That street gets back-logged during the morning commute but moves along rather steadily. As I inched my way down the street in the hooptie, I passed a utility company van that was sort of blocking my view of the alleyway to my right just as someone decided to pull out from it. Actually the woman driving the station wagon wanted to cross my lane of traffic to get to the lane going the opposite direction. A-Ok with me. But she pulled out rather voraciously, as if I did not have a choice in the matter. I slammed on my brakes when I saw her and our eyes connected. Like two animals in the wild, we stared each other down, sizing each other up as to our intentions. And then the most effed up thing happened. This woman's eyes actually bulged from her head as she contorted her face and adjusted her jaw. Adjusted her jaw. One more time... adjusted her jaw, as if she was unhinging it. I seriously thought she was going to eat me. I was waiting for her mouth to open wide like a crocodile's and then quickly snap shut on my car as the hooptie, and me inside, crumpled and bellowed "NNNOOOOOOO." Wtf? WTF? I was horrified. In my dismay and horror I quickly motioned her to go ahead of me. Please, pretty please, pull in front of me but just don't let the alien that took over your body come out to play again. I fear days and weeks of nightmares about this woman.... her bigger-than-the-healthy-weight-range body tearing me to shreds as she drags my lifeless body back to her cave to feed her 4 starving children. And then I awake to find Berkeley's fuzzy face burrowed in my neck and her soft purr of a snore comforting me back to sleep. Happy place... think of the happy place. And then there was calm. And... scene.

Golden Globe-trotters are a Yawn!

The Golden Globe awards were held yesterday in Bev Hills. I had an appt in the city and carefully made my way around the traffic snare, not without passing a few limos post-drop-off. The Globes are traditionally a good predictor of the Oscar race. Thank god I tivoed it so I could fast forward through much of it. Overall thought: Bor-ing and way too serious. The whole point of this show is to let the world see what happens when celebs starve themselves for days to fit into skin tight dresses and then binge on champagne on live television. No real good drunken moments though. Instead we had too many speeches by self-deprecating Brits (sorry Vince!) who just refuse to bask in their own glory, and too many repeat winners. Even if some of the winners were first-time Globe-trotters, we've seen them win Emmy's and People's Choice and blah blah blah. And there's only so many ways you can say "this means a lot to me" before you sound like you don't really mean it. But here are a few of my insights into the unusually not-funniest major award show of the season.

• Jesus Christ on a popsicle stick... Leo DiCaprio can wear a suit!!!!!!!!!!!! He was wearing a classic Armani tux with slicked back hair, a combo that made me swoon with delight. I'm not really a big Leo fan, but last night he represented for old-fashioned hollywood glamour... AND I'M DEEPLY SADDENED HE DID NOT WIN. Seriously, he was amazing in the Departed.
• What the hell was up Angelina's Jolie's butt? She was quite frankly rude to those interviewing her and appeared to be having the worst time of her life. Although she may feel that she is above such meaningless things as Hollywood award shows... she needs to get over it! How quickly she forgets that if it wasn't for the red carpet no one would care what she thinks about refugees or creating Benetton families or adopting 500 babies. If I was Brad I would have left her spoiled butt at home.
• P.S. Did you see the bulging collarbone and coarsing vein on her forehead? Um, you may prefer to live like you're in Africa but don't eat like you're in Africa. I seriously thought she might have an aneurysm on live television.
• Beyonce looked like her best friend just died when Eddie Murphy won for Dreamgirls. She was the only cast member nominated who did not win and you could tell she had her overly-flat-ironed hair all ready for her big moment. To rub salt in it, Murphy seemed completely non-plussed about winning. I was expecting a speech about how long he's waited to win this award (he's been nominated four times) and how he's really a serious actor... but not so much.
• Sasha Baron Cohen's speech was hilarous! He's just such a comedic storyteller. Thank god someone had somethng slightly off color and original to say.
• Ugly Betty won! Ugly Betty won! I have Matt to thank for turning me onto this show and it is truly deserving of Best Comedy. It's not only super funny but is also very original in the way it's written and directed. Kind of reminds me of how unique and ground breaking Ally McBeal was in its heyday.
• I could watch Jack Nicholson do just about anything. I could watch him sleep he's so interesting. The guy never fails to have a smirk or a grimmace or a grin or a raised eyebrow at any moment in time. He is one of the few actors I'd actually go to great lengths to meet and have a conversation with. Plus he has season tickets to the Lakers. Double bonus!
• Drew Barrymore , Jennifer Garner, and Reese Witherspoon looked amazing. None of them went over the top with ugly hair (Ellen Pompeo, Jennifer Love Hewitt), garrish makeup (Cameron Diaz), or ridiculous clothing choices (Vanessa Williams, Beyonce). Instead each just played up her natural features and let her personality speak for itself.
• I'm so bored with Katherine Heigl, Renee Zellwegger, and Jennifer Lopez. They look the same at every award show. Seen it. Over it.
• I would adopt 500 babies to have Jessica Biel's body. I actually interviewed her at the Critic's Choice awards a few years back when I worked the red carpet for E!. She was dumb as a rock but had one of the sickest bodies I've ever seen in person. She's still breaking hearts with her butt and apparently is being better coached by her "people" b/c she actually sounded like she's graduated from the short bus. Major Prediction: She will be a Bond girl in the not too distant future. That girl was born to have a double-entendre name and a ridiculous job that requires her to parade around in a bikini.

Final thoughts... Beyonce: Vegas Showgirl. Jessica: Future Bondgirl. I'm psyched Dreamgirls won as well as Grey's Anatomy. How did Babel beat the Departed?? Why didn't Hugh Grant do any interviews on the red carpet? His movie with Drew Barrymore looks to be hilarious. McSteamy is very charming and Zach Braff finally looked like he got a good night's sleep (no dark circles) and took his happy pill. He was actually pleasant during his interviews. Shocker! The Office was robbed but I'm happy for Betty. And Little Miss Sunshine (one of my fave movies from last year) was also robbed. Oh well. They'll clean up at the Independent Spirit Awards. We're in the home stretch for the Oscars. Can't wait to see who'll make it on the ballot.

Beckham BEDlam

Pardon me while I drool... but holy penalty kick Batman! David Beckham is coming to not just America, but to my front doorstep. He just signed a deal to play for the LA Galaxy soccer team and to hold some practice sessions in my bed! GGGGOOOOAAAALLLLL! Not since Tom Brady has a man worn a suit so well. I can't wait to see him play in person and to learn about his every breath from the papparazzi. Yum to the tum. Considering that there are tons of hot guys in LA like Josh Duhamel, Tom Cruise, Ken, Brad Pitt, etc., it says alot about Becks that he can incite this kind of tongue-wagging from most every woman with a pulse. But he is that HOT! And he's a family man. Hot + family man = lots 'o' woman throwing themselves at him. Momma needs a napkin. It might say 59 degrees on the temp guage, but it's about 110 in my office right now. <dab, dab>

Wheeeee-Whooo

I stopped at a gas station just around the corner from my place on my way to work this morning. There was construction on one of the pumps in front so I parked at the one perpendicular. As I hurried from my car to grab a diet Dr. Pepper, I heard it: the faint sound of air escaping from the construction worker's lips I had just inadvertantly made eye contact with. "Wheeee-whoooo." I knew it was going to happen before it did. I knew when our eyes locked for that millisecond he would feel the need to let me know that he saw it too. Because when he affirmed with that whistle that the attraction was mutual, I knew I had found the one... or at least that I was dying to strip my clothes off and jump on his fat, hairy, dirty, smelly body. I mean, that's what he's hoping for right? That my innocent trip to the convenience store will turn into a scene from Penthouse Forum. Let's be serious for a moment. It's 2006. Why are guys still whistling? Don't they know that gesture is so "1970's Mary Tyler Moore working girl who appreciates that men still see her as a woman when she's not breaking their balls in the office?" Is it really worth anyone's time or self-dignity to whistle or be whistled at? I for one refuse to be pleasant in response. The guy is lucky if I just ignore it because my "go to hell" look is more customary. Sometimes I flip him off. Just depends on how annoyed I am. I can't say that I wouldn't respond differently if the guy was a cute young professional who was overcome by my beauty and just whistled as an autonomic reflex. ;-) But it never is that guy is it? Most likely because that guy has too much class to affront a woman in such a way. Which brings me full circle. Guys who whistle are low-class idiots and I'm officially over it.

Fall is Here!

Fall is officially here my friends. The weather has cooled off by about 5 degrees, and in LA, that means a change of seasons is upon us. I'm so excited. This is one of my favorite times of year in LA because the leaves do change color slightly, the temp approaches a cool crispness especially at night, and best of all I get to wear the most fun clothes in my closet. The cooler it gets, the more layers and accessories I need =  it's more fun to get dressed in the morning. Now, let's be real. It's not like I'm dressing for the east coast here. I'm talking about deciding between a turtleneck or a jacket or a scarf, but not wearing all three. I'm not gonna be braving 20 degree weather like Alla or anything... jeez. ;-) Ha! I have been known to wear the "LA winter" outfit of a turtleneck, jeans and flip flops. Anyway, all of this talk makes me want to go shopping. Who wants to make a run for the mall??