Allison's Brain

Simon Sez Santa

Thanks to my sis Ang for forwarding this site. Simon Sez Santa let's you order him to do a myriad of things that are fun to watch. My personal favorites are "strip," "moon me," and "ride rudolph." It's pretty funny. I think watching him strip is the best one! He really puts his all into it! Hilarious.

http://simonsezsanta.com/

Trick or Treat! Smell My Feet Literally!

I was over at Ken's last night handing out candy to the neighborhood kids, and it was funny to see several of them carrying candy in their shoes, instead of in a bag or plastic pumpkin. This is a nice neighborhood. Certainly there was no shortage of plastic Ralph's bags at the very least. But still they chose to take off a shoe and beckon us to place a Smartie or a Snickers bar in it. I see two problems with that: 1) warm shoes will melt chocolate and 2) who wants to eat candy out of smelly, sweaty shoes? Ew.

In honor of the holiday, I have several pics to post. The little kids are my nephews and niece dressed up. The big kids are friends of Matt, who had a pumpkin carving party on Sat night. It was great fun and a fresh way to celebrate the holiday. Alcohol, cheese, and knives. Yes! My pumpkin looks rather paltry compared to his artistic friends, but it did the trick. We attracted plenty of kids just dying to clean liquified chocolate out of their shoes this morning.

Ball game with the boys...

I tagged along to Dodger's game last week with Ken and several boys from his office. Although I was a bit worried I would be asked to make beer runs the guys accepted me as one of their own. Love it! I love baseball games if not for the nachos than for the interesting conversations you overhear. The middle aged men in the row behind us spent the better part of the game discussing which private schools their kids did and did not get accepted to (soooo LA!). The 5 year old to my right didn't have much to say except "where's my towel?" when his mom presented him with a foam finger. She begged him to say thank you and remember his manners but he whined instead (soooo LA!). With all the spoiled brats around me, I was pleased that the boys spent time doing something more in my ballpark, making fun of each other for everything from favorite movies to favorite sports teams. Reminded me of my guy friends from TX. <sigh> The Dodgers won in the 9th inning and we all parted ways to our respective cars... but not before I got them to pose for a few pics. Enjoy!

Blonde Joke #2740

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general and all in the name of humor!”

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells; "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little smart ass on your knee. " 

Baby Got Dimple

I've rewritten the lyrics to Sir Mix-a-lot's booty anthem Baby Got Back. Please sing along:

I like big dimples and I can not lie

You other sista's can't deny

That when a boy walks in, lookin for a taste

With a divet in his face

You get sprung!

Oh baby, I wanna get wit'cha

And take yo picture

My homegirls tried to warn me

But with that face, you gots me so forlorny.

Ooh Face-o'-smooth-skin

You gotta big fat pen?

Well use it, so you can use me

I'll take you for a ride in the hooptie.

I like them real deep and cute

With a nice smelling neck to boot

So give me that toothy 'tude

Cause you ain't like the average dude

So ladies (yeah), ladies (yeah)

Has your boy toy got them lines? (Hell yeah)

Tell him to crack it (crack it), Crack it (crack it)

Crack that big ol' smile.

Baby got dimple!

(scratchin' my 12-inch record)

Baby... got... dimple!

Little bit nimble and he got much dimple.

So wrong it's right

Thanks to Matt for the tip on this website featuring some of the most insane/wrong/non-PC/offensive/hilarious t-shirts I've ever seen. Don't skip the baby tees which feature such slogans as "are you my daddy?," "I sh** my pants and all I got was this lousy shirt," and other such shenanigans. Hours of fun. And if you're looking for the perfect gift for that trashy friend you never know what to buy for, consider this a gold mine. Enjoy.

www.tshirthell.com

Happy Anniversary to my Brain

Somehow the official 1st anniversary of this site passed me by... my first post was April 19, 2005. April 19, 2006 came and went and I didn't even realize it. I feel guilty that I've neglected to commemorate my brain's grand entrance on the blogger red carpet. Maybe this is because my brain is fried from too much diet coke and meaningless chitter-chatter. Plus, that date just isn't significant enough to register in my datebook of birthdays, anniversaries, and the like. What to do? I really should take the time to evaluate how the site is functioning, possibly consider a redesign and devote myself to a relaunch that better addresses my readers' needs and desires. But like an old boyfriend who's been nagged into celebrating a date he never remembers, I just can't get motivated. So I guess my brain will have to be satisfied with the crumbs of celebratory cake I am offering it, and this modest post to commemorate the occasion. I feel kind of bad for my brain but luckily it's Friday and my weekend includes several opportunities to drown my brain's sadness in a pool of alcohol. If all goes well, by Monday my brain will be too libated to know it missed its 15 minutes of fame. So let's cheers to that!

Not Everyone Likes Starbucks

Thanks to Clint for this hilarious rant and rave about Starbucks. Enjoy!

Download sStarbucks_01_06.wmv

Why Women Stay Single

I don't know why, but this clip is killing me. I can't stop laughing and crying while watching it. Enjoy!

Download whywomenstaysingle.mpg

Blonde Joke #9257

Thanks to Patrick for heeding my call to make me laugh at a moment's notice with this visual blonde joke. Technically that is one way to print. ;-)