Dear readers, I am pleased to announce the inception of a new column on Allison's Brain entitled "Dear Alli" in which I will answer questions about today's most pressing issues in the informative, yet extremely witty, fashion you've become accustomed to on this site. ;-) You will notice the pic of me in my smart looking glasses, below left. This serves as your visual cue that today's post is a "Dear Alli." I would also like to mention that my dear friend Matthew Tyler Mitchell will be serving as "an authorized personal reference tool" for any and all subject areas I feel like getting his two cents on. Trust me, you won't be disappointed in this marriage of two very open-minded yet extemely discriminating views on the world. Please send me your questions. I look forward to the onslaught of email I'm sure to receive. ;-) So here goes...
Dear Alli,
I have been reading your blog for months and just love it. I feel like I can really open up to you. I think it's really great that you're so comfortable with your body (and others' bodies), but why are some people so afraid of seeing themselves naked? My boyfriend has HUGE issues and hates for himself or anyone else to see him naked. How can I help him understand that the human form is beautiful and needs to be examined and paid attention to?
Sincerely, Nakedness Rules
Dear Naked Ruler, will you marry me? It's amazing how in line your philosophies on the human body are to my own. Don't get me wrong, I'm not one to look at myself in the full length mirror at my local retail store illuminated by the all-too-revealing florescent lights and bless the heavenly gods that I got so damn lucky. But I have made piece with the cottage cheese, the bumps, the lumps, the myriad of scars and scrapes, and the eventual wrinkling and sagging that is sure to befall every inch of my pinkish skin. Now on to your boyfriend... Let me start out by saying that most guys I know are way too excited about taking their clothes off. Case in point, how many times have I been mooned, flashed, or unwillingly exposed to guy friends obsessed with being naked? So you've got a real conundrum here. I say shore up your man from two ports of entry. First physically: suggest a little manscaping. It's amazing what a pair of scissors can do to a chia pet. Second mentally: tell him how hot and sassy he looks in his birthday boy outfit. With a little verbal massage, his ego will perk right up and he'll be back to swingin it Adam & Eve style in no time.
If these two suggestions don't work, dump him. Trust me, in this instance there aren't just more fish in the sea, there are entire species of male marine mammals just dying to show you what they've got. Fish from the scantilly clad ocean and throw the clothed carp back. And blame your lack of patience on a little simple science. It only makes sense that natural selection would favor guys who like to flaunt their fine forms since naked bodies = babies and the proliferation of our species. Plus any guy who is that hung up on his looks is either a closet actor or closet loser. Out his insecurities and be done with it. There are professionals who handle that sort of thing. So unless your first name is Doctor, wipe your conscience clean and clear out the #1 speed dial slot on your cell for Mr. Loves Hisbody.
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