Allison's Brain

The Best of TV News Lip Slips

The best of television news folks' lip slips. You know those, they're the terrifically awkward moments when an anchor says "blow job" instead of "block party," or accidentally outs their station's weatherman. They're completely embarrassing, uncomfortable, and downright amazing.

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Paul Newman Vigil

My heart is aching. My loins are aching. Word is spreading like Paris Hilton that the man who holds the number 1 spot in my Fantasy Five Celeb Hookups is fighting for his life. Paul Newman, the creator of the best pasta sauce and mango salsa, is being treated for lung cancer... allegedly. His PR rep denies it. But Paul himself issued a statement saying that he "feels good," or something equally vague. Please, please, please, say it isn't so. I know he can't live forever, but he's just such a darned good actor and he's such an amazing philanthropist. They just don't make them like this anymore. Could you see P. Nasty Hilton devoting her life to organic gardens as way to fund a summer camp for kids? Oh hell to the no.

If you haven't checked out the arsenal of movie magic that this man has bestowed upon us... there's no time the like present.

1. Cool Hand Luke - dusty black & white slice'o'life about some hot and not-so-hot degenerates doing 10 to life in the biggest hell hole this side of the Mississippi. I've never wanted to be a chewed up-stanky cot so badly in my life.
2. Cat on a Hot Tin Roof - LORDY he drips of anger, whiskey, and headboard-banging sexual intensity in this classic. And his sky blue eyes glow - and I mean glow - the more angry he gets.
3. The Color of Money - Paul + Toothy Tom = master and apprentice angst paired with lots of hairspray and a dose of billiards. Off the 2, corner hole. You know what I'm saying?

I have not had the chance to meet Paul yet. But if I did I would tell him that he inspires me every day to pursue my dreams, while giving just a little back to those less fortunate.

Feast your eyes on this kids:

Go Ace Monkey!

JennChantal's dog Acey is so freaking cute while running this obstacle course. Berkeley is wayyyy too lazy for these youngun tricks!

The Schnitzen Turns 12!!!

Happy birthday to Berkeley
Happy birthday to Schnitzen
Happy birthday to Berkenschtoken Schnitzengruben Fahrfugnugen
Happy birthday to you!

Twelve years ago today, the world was blessed with the cutest, fluffiest, aggressive little ankle biter you've ever met. She is my best friend, my bed buddy, my electric blanket, my human kleenex, and my constant breakfast, lunch, and dinner companion.

Dog is my copilot.

Reliving Our First Date

Ken and I celebrated 2 years together on April 30. Who knew that a little old dating website could make such a good match? Not only do we have hours of fun together, but our dogs have even become besties. If they could shop online, they would order "best friends" pendants... I just know it. Some people renew their vows on an anniversary, but since we haven't tied the knot we came up with our own version: reliving our first date!!!! <blood curdling scream>

No, it wasn't the most mind-blowing first date I've ever been on. But it was fun. More importantly, we made it through several near misses that could have ended things before they got rolling. Let's remind ourselves what almost went wrong:

1. I was PMSing, which means that I was on the verge of tears all afternoon. I just knew that if I said something stupid, tears were sure to pour down my face. And how would I explain that to a mostly-stranger?
2. Ken arrived 15 minutes early.
3. My hair was the size of Texas. Ken can verify this. The weather was particularly humid in Santa Monica that day, and my dry hair soaked up the moisture like a cactus in the desert. Good god, the blow-dryer really amped up the energy in my tresses. So I was left with two choices: 1) proceed with confidence despite my pageant-queen 'do, or 2) pull it up into some sort of bun-type thing. Afraid of a librarian perception, I went with #1. Ken almost took off at the first sight of me.
4. I made an off-handed comment about his car that was sort of insulting. Amazingly, he quickly replied with something charming and witty. Bonus points!
5. The entire drive to the restaurant I became increasingly insecure about every word coming out of my mouth and swallowed back tears at least twice.

Luckily, we arrived at the restaurant without incident and quickly realized that we had several things in common:

1. We both love beer and tofu and football.
2. We are both fans of the 70s TV show "Emergency."
3. Two of his favorite restaurants are in Texas, where I'm from.
4. I'm a Scorpio and he's a Pisces. Excellent astrological potential.
5. I love dimples and he has them.
6. Our dogs are our best friends.

In summary, it was meant to be. I'm crazy. He's sane. Together, we're one well-balanced rock of love. Smooch!

Redneck Weddings

My favorite new show is on CMT. Yes, CMT. I almost forgot about that network. In fact, I have to admit it was Ken who stumbled upon this show, and boy am I glad he did. Each show follows a backwoods couple as they prepare for, and then go through with, their version of a wedding. In the first episode, the bride (who looks to be in her late 30s) can't find her teeth. Need I say more? In the 2nd episode, the groomsmen are wearing camouflage and the entertainment for the night is mattress surfing. Imagine riding on an inner tube while holding onto a rope that is attached to the back of a boat, except the inner tube is a mattress and the boat is a 4-wheeler. Hahaha. No helmet. No fear. Lots of dirt.

This show includes plenty of grammar mistakes, missing teeth, and JimBob-foolery. Don't miss it. Click here to find the showtimes in your neck of the woods. 

P.S. I almost forgot to mention that Tom Arnold, Roseanne's ex, is the host. Watch out for slurred words and glassy eyes. Pill-popper anyone?

Revlon ColorStay Makeup

I thought L'Oreal Ideal Balance had stolen my heart, but then it dumped me into a t-zone wasteland. After several weeks of swathing my face in its ivory glow, I developed blackheads and pimples. Ew. Back to the drawing board and my mainstay, Clinique Perfectly Real Foundation. However, after purchasing a new tube to replace the one I licked clean, I noticed a discernable smell, something plastic-y or possibly medicinal.

Cut to the afternoon mirror reflection from my forehead. For months I have been experiencing massive t-zone shine. Why am I cursed with this affliction? I tried everything: more water, a topical scrub, moisturizer (in case the oil was attempting to lubricate extra dry skin). I even bought a compact of Neutrogena mineral powder foundation since everyone has been raving about how natural mineral makeup can be. Not so much when you suffer from oily skin. By about 3 p.m. I looked like the Tammy Faye of foundation: little rivers of oil were flowing through the prairie of foundation on my forehead. Not cute. Not professional. Not fun.

Then I read a very favorable review of Revlon ColorStay Makeup with Softflex. I'll be darned if it doesn't do exactly what it says: cover my imperfections with a natural looking coat while adhering to even the slickest of skin for hours on end. In short, I LOVE it. I want to have ten-thousand babies with it. It might be the best 10 dollars I have spent.

Swimming in the Company Pool

So I've decided that the housekeeping lady, or to be more PC... the custodial artist, who deals with our bathroom at work is the most fascinating person to me, at this present time. In a recent survey, 9 times out of 10 times when I've gone to pee out my morning coffee around 11 a.m., she is in the bathroom, in the stall, doing her business. So the advice my dad gave me when I was choosing what to do when I grew up came to mind: "Find a way to get paid for doing what you love." As a hypochondriac, I thought of pursuing the medical arts, since I couldn't figure out how to get paid for talking on the phone... at least in a way that I would admit to. Then came my stint working in TV, because I love TV! Does anyone need a shoe model? Can I get paid for napping? No, but I did find a way to get paid for my skills on the keyboard. Bingo!

By my logic, I am left wondering... is the custodian secretly obsessed with peeing? Does she have over-active bowels? Is this a career choice, or a strategic lifestyle decision? I often think, does it bother her that she has to shit where she sleeps... almost literally? That sort of mental jolt I get from taking a break, sitting down for a tinkle, and reapplying my lipstick would be ruined if I spent all day in the bathroom.

The random survey also revealed that the 1/10 times she is not inside, she is standing just outside eating oatmeal. You know, the instant Quaker oatmeal that comes in a plastic bowl. Just add water. My detective skills say that she suffers from the c-word, but I'm just not satisfied with that diagnosis. Hmmm. I think that would be challenging to spend your 40 hour work week in a place that people get a sense of relief and happiness from visiting.

Like if I was paid to sit outside on a bench and watch cute guys in ties walk by, the occasional one smiling at me, giving me hope that I still have it.

www.AndyBaldwin.com... Really?

Oh...my... god. Seriously. I just screamed really loudly. Effing Andy Baldwin, Mr. Officer and a Gentleman Bachelor, has his own website. Ok yes, so do I. But I do not have a press link, a bio, and a contact so that I can come speak at your cougar convention, which must be where he met Miss Marla Maples. I'm throwing up, I'm gagging on a spoon, I'm over it. Ew. I mean really? You were on a dating reality show and now you are qualified to speak to rooms full of people about how to succeed in life without trying? Oh I get it... be a contestant on a reality show. Bingo. Money. Anyway, check it out: www.andybaldwin.com.

P.S. I found this site because I was searching for a pic of him with his new girlfriend: ex-wife of The Donald, mother of Tiffany (named after her favorite jeweler I'm sure), and publicity-seeking attention whore. Why in the world would she go out with him? He's young, hot, and famous. OK, let's reverse that question: Why would he go out with her? Money, famous friends, personal key to Mar-a-Lago? I really don't get it. But whatevs. I could tell he was a cheddar king from the get-go and I just knew his days with Tessa were numbered. I wonder what she'll think of his Amish-ish family in Pennsylvania?

Reasons Why Apr 9, 2008 Blows

1. I have two HUGE zits on my chin, both in varying stages of death.
2. My zits are flaking, in addition to my scalp and my finger tips. What's up with all the dry skin?
3. I have a hole in my sweater. Banana Republic sweaters suck.
4. Today's hairstyle features 3/4-inch roots b/c I ditched my hair appointment last weekend.
5. There's a new scratch/dent on my right front fender b/c I misjudged the curb while pulling out of the gas station.
6. I'm going to have to beg, flash, and promise my 1st born child to the parking attendant b/c I left my parking card at home today. Whoops!
7. Only 6 more days until I have to cut that nearly $2000 check to Uncle Sam. <sigh>